Big Fat Loser

Six months on

2006-09-01T05:59:00.000+01:00

Today's the six-month anniversary of when I started losing weight. And I think that's quite an achievement for someone like me, who previously only ever last a fews days on diets. I certainly didn't think, when I started out, that I would have lasted this long. My initial plan was to do just 6 weeks, not 6 months.

But here I am, half a year on, happier, healthier, and lighter than I have been for a very long time. And all that self-denial has been totally worth it. I see in me not just a change in body shape, but a change in self-confidence too. Whereas before I used to hang around in the background, trying to make myself look small, now I don't mind being the centre of attention. Indeed, I don't mind people looking at me now, because I'm no longer the 24 stone person I used to be.

So what's the progress then? Well, I did a weigh-in this morning, and I am very pleased to announce that I am just 1 pound short of losing a total of 5 stones. That means that I'm more-or-less half way to my target of a 'normal' weight. And I couldn't be more delighted.

A big thanks to everyone who has posted comments or sent me emails of encouragement since I started this blog. It really makes a difference to know that there are lovely people out there wishing me well.

Start: 24st 3lbs (339lbs/154kg) - BMI 43.7
Current: 19st 4lbs (270lbs/122kg) - BMI 34.8
Target: 14st (196lbs/89kg) - BMI 25.3
Lost so far: 4st 13lbs (69lbs/31kg) - 48% of way to target
Still to go: 5st 4lbs (74lbs/34kg)

Tuesday's news

2006-08-22T15:32:00.000+01:00

Thankfully, there's some end in site to my ultra-busy month of August, along with the determination to get back on track with my weight loss. With no time (or energy) to eat or exercise properly, I've only managed to maintain my weight of late - but at least that's better than putting it on.

If you remember a couple of months ago, I was made redundant from work. And since then I've been enjoying some (planned) time off over the summer. But, with the kids going back to school after their summer holidays soon, I feel it's time that I too found some gainful employment. Luckily, I've found it pretty easy to land a few interviews. Indeed, I had one of them today, and it went really well. I'm just waiting to see if any of them will offer me a job.

Redesign

2006-08-19T00:21:00.000+01:00

I'm having a bit of a go at designing my own layout - as opposed to using the pre-defined Blogger layout. It's a bit minimalist at the moment, but I'm sure I'll tweak it as we go along. Do let me know if I've broken anything in the mean time.

Finding the time

2006-08-15T13:57:00.000+01:00

If July was the quiet month of the year, then August is certainly shaping up to be the insanely busy month of the year. It's a bit crazy at the moment, and I'm out of the house almost every night of the week, and all weekend, doing different things.

This level of activity is, however, a bit of a challenge when it comes to eating healthily and finding time to exercise. When I only have 20 minutes on an evening to prepare and eat a meal, it does become awfully tempting to pop to the chip shop. And when I'm rushing from appointment to appointment, a taxi journey seems much better than walking when I'm running late.

I suppose, on the food front, I should stock up on some of those ready meals from the supermarket that can be zapped in the microwave in a couple of minutes. But I've never really liked them. I wouldn't say I'm a very good cook, but I do like to prepare meals based on their raw ingredients, rather than just heating up some processed food.

And I suppose my primary method of exercise - walking - requires quite a large commitment of time each day. I've thought about whether I should try taking up running instead, but feel like I need my belly and man-breasts to shrink some more before I try it out, as they still flop about everywhere at the moment. I also think that 19 stone is still really heavy, and I don't want to damage my knees by causing them too much stress.

I've also thought about getting myself a bicycle, but don't really have anywhere to store it between rides.

I guess, come September, things will quieten off again, and I'll be able to invest a bit more time again into proper eating and exercising. And as long as I don't gain any weight in the mean time, that'll be fine.

Random thoughts

2006-08-14T13:20:00.000+01:00

July this year was a really quiet month. I was away travelling and visiting my family for a couple of weeks, and I hadn't seen many of my friends for quite a while. So it was a shock to some of them to see the weight loss progress I had made.

Thanks to the warmer weather sweeping the country, I had managed to ditch all my old shirts and jumpers, all of which are much too big for me now; opting instead for smaller fitting t-shirts. Which is why, I guess, it was suddenly more apparent to my friends that I had lost quite a lot of weight - some four and a half stones to be exact.

Comparing my old and new clothes the other day, I couldn't believe the difference in size between a 5XL and 2XL t-shirt. Indeed, I still can't believe that I can fit into something so small. Because I guess in my mind I haven't changed shape yet. I still think of myself as a morbidly obese man.

And so I keep trying to remind myself of the evidence... the smaller clothes, the fact that I can almost jog up a flight of stairs now without breaking into a sweat, and the fact that strangers are more willing to sit on the seat next to me on busses and trains.

In fact, a big part of losing weight is to do with other people's attitude towards me. I've always hated the way other people have viewed me. Friends have said that they've never thought about my size, and I believe them. But for every one of those lovely people who says it makes no difference to them, I feel that there are another hundred that are disgusted by my weight.

My difference in size so far has prompted dozens of aquaintences to come up to me and say things like "You look so much better", or "You look more heathly" - which, don't get me wrong, is all lovely to hear. But sometimes I can't help feeling that there's a silent coda to each of their statements that says "because you looked crap before". And I resent them a little bit for not thinking I looked great back when I was 24 stone.

Why is a 19? stone version of me better than a 24 stone version? I'm still the same person. I still have the same sense of humour, the same intelligence, interests, passions, and dreams. But to others, the thinner me is definitely 'better'.

Mea Culpa

2006-07-30T23:24:00.000+01:00

Has it really been that long since I posted last. I guess the warm summer weather here in the UK has had me a little distracted. I've been trying to get out and about, getting plenty of fresh air and exercise. But that's no real excuse for neglecting the blog.

Anyway, here's the update on where I am at the moment...

In the last six weeks I've been trying to be 'good', and stick to my daily calorie allowance, but it's not been easy. For one thing, every time I lose a couple of pounds, my calorie allowance drops a little, making it ever more hard to stick to. And secondly, due to a culmination of various circumstances recently, I've been eating out a fair bit recently. And I guess we all know, when you eat out, it's really hard knowing exactly what you're eating.

But regardless of that, I'm still doing quite well. Not as well as I did at the start - not even I believed that I could maintain losing a stone a month - but still pretty good. I'm now down to exactly 20 stones. And with it, I'm excited to have reached another milestone in my journey.

I've also been out shopping for new clothes recently - nothing much; just tee shirts to wear in the warm weather - but it's been great being able to pick out clothes in size XXL, rather than 4XL or 5XL that I used to wear.

Indeed, almost all of my old clothes are now far too big for me. It's okay to slob about the house in shirts that drown me, but I can't really go out in them. So I'm having to make do with the regular rotation of just a few items that are the right size.

Start: 24st 3lbs (339lbs/154kg) - BMI 43.7
Current: 20st 0lbs (280lbs/127kg) - BMI 36.1
Target: 14st (196lbs/89kg) - BMI 25.3
Lost so far: 4st 3lbs (59lbs/27kg) - 41% of way to target
Still to go: 6st 0lbs (84lbs/38kg)

Hidden shame

2006-06-20T15:51:00.000+01:00

I noticed the other day, as I was drying myself after a shower, that I appear to have developed something that is generally more readily associated with older women. That is, I appear to have developed bingo wings on my upper arms.

As I have lost weight, the chunky solid fat that used to give my arms a more solid appearance has diminished, so that I'm left with loose skin that noticeably sags when I lift my arm up.

Thank goodness I'm a guy, and therefore am not driven by the fashion necessity to wear sleeveless tops during the summer. I can safely cover up the tops of my arms with t-shirts, and hide my bingo wing shame from everyone around me - at least until I can work out some kind of upper-body exercise that will help tone up my arms.

The rewards of exercise

2006-06-19T11:49:00.000+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was bemoaning the fact that my weight-loss had hit a bit of a plateaux. Well, it's firmly back on the downward slope again, partially thanks to an increased exercise regime. I've been training quite hard for the last three weeks, burning off lots of exercise calories. And as a result, I've lost a further five pounds, dropping me below 21 stones.

Every time I manage to lose like this, I get a little bit more excited about what the future holds, and the promise of eventually achieving a 'normal' sized body. It would be wonderful to have an unrestricted choice of clothes to wear, and also wonderful to not be embarrassed taking those clothes off in front of others (within reason, of course).

I just hope that when I finish work with my current employer, that I don't let my exercise regime fall by the way side. At the moment, one of the key ways of ensuring that I do some regular walking is to have it built into my daily routine. So the walk to and from work have been key to me maintaining a 5-miles-a-day average. And so without that, I'll need to be more inventive and disciplined about doing exercise.

Start: 24st 3lbs (339lbs/154kg) - BMI 43.7
Current: 20st 13lb (293lbs/133kg) - BMI 37.8
Target: 14st (196lbs/89kg) - BMI 25.3
Lost so far: 3st 4lbs (46lbs/21kg) - 32% of way to target
Still to go: 6st 13lb (97lbs/44kg)

Emotional crutch

2006-06-16T11:28:00.000+01:00

I received some bad news about my job yesterday. Basically I'm being made redundant, as of next week. Which is quite scary to someone like me, who's never been out of work before.

One of my first thoughts, upon hearing the news, was to throw the diet plan out the window. I thought about going out and getting drunk, and stuffing my face with take-away and sweets. But then I stopped myself.

I thought about my relationship to food and drink, and whether it was healthy to use them as an emotional crutch in times of crisis. Sure, I would really enjoy the eating and drinking, but would binging really solve my problems? Or would I end up regretting it, and feel worse afterwards?

So I decided that, even though I was having a really shitty day, pigging out was not the answer. In fact, taking a pragmatic view, losing weight would be much more important at the moment, particularly as it will be much easier to secure a new job if I am thinner (a sad but true fact of life).

Under three hundred

2006-06-15T10:01:00.000+01:00

I passed another milestone this morning. I fell below 300 pounds in weight. Okay, so I'm still extemely obese, but it's better to be 300 pounds (or rather, 298) instead of 339 pounds where I started.

I remember seeing a Simpsons episode where Homer deliberately gains weight to get up to 300 pounds, in order to be classified as disabled and have the opportunity to work from home. When his clothes no longer fit him, he takes to wearing a dress-like muumuu. And with all the weight gain, he ends up not being able to dial the phone (his fingers were apparently too fat), and his bed sags quite significantly when he lies down.

Now, of course, I accept that a lot of stuff in the episode was exagerated for comedic effect (it is, after all, a cartoon!). But I would associate the problems Homer encountered with someone much heavier than 300 pounds. After all, I'm that now and I've never had trouble dialing a phone, I've never had to wear a dress, and I've never considered that my weight has made me disabled.

Although I suppose, it I'm honest, I'd have to admit that being fat has stopped me doing some things in life.

Anyway, being over 300 pounds is all behind me now. I've left the three hundreds behind, and by the time this weight-loss thing is over, I hope to have left the two hundreds behind as well. But that's probably going to take at least another year or more.

Start: 24st 3lbs (339lbs/154kg) - BMI 43.7
Current: 21st 4lb (298lbs/135kg) - BMI 38.4
Target: 14st (196lbs/89kg) - BMI 25.3
Lost so far: 2st 13lbs (41lbs/19kg) - 28% of way to target
Still to go: 7st 4lb (102lbs/46kg)

New clothes

2006-06-13T11:46:00.000+01:00

You can certainly tell that I'm getting smaller. Clothes that used to be tight, are now loose. And others that have languished at the back of the wardrobe for years because they didn't even go round me now fit me well, and are back in regular rotation. But a whole load of my favourite items are now much to large. I have a whole load of 4XL and 5XL shirts that look like tents on me, and it's sad that I can't really wear them any more.

I'm resisting the urge to go out and buy lots of new clothes, as I'm hoping that they won't fit me for long, if I continue to slim down. It would be a waste of money to buy lots of things in one particular size, and then have no use for them a couple of months later, so I'm making do at the moment with a just a few basic items. And I'm also keeping an eye on the items that crop up on eBay, and picking up some cheap second hand clothes that will tide me over for a while.

What really highlighted the problem to me, a few days ago, was when I had to find something formal to wear. I'm lucky at work that we have a casual dress code, and so I can wear the same stuff in the office as I do at home. But when it came to this formal occasion, I had to dig out a suit and smart shirt - and found that they were all much too big for me. The suit wasn't too bad, but the collar size of the shirt was much too large. When I did up my tie, it felt like the knot was half way down my chest. Certainly, if I lowered my head, I could easily fit my chin inside the collar.

I told myself, when I started this weight loss thing, that buying myself a new wardrobe would be a pleasure rather than a pain. And in a way it is. I was thrilled back in April to be able to go into a normal high street store for the first time in about 10 years, and get clothes that fitted me. And for stuff that I wear all the time, like jeans and casual shirts, I don't mind renewing them every 6 weeks or so. But when it comes to the occasional items - like formal wear - it's more of a pain having to get things that may only be worn two or three times before they're too big.

But having said all that, I'm much preferring my smaller size, so maybe I should just shut up and deal with the size effects. It just means that I need to plan ahead a little more, to ensure that when formal occasions comes around, I have something suitable to wear that is vaguely the right size.

Mid-June Update

2006-06-13T11:06:00.000+01:00

I haven't posted anything here for a couple of weeks now... partly due to a lack of motivation, and partly because I don't really believe anyone reads this site anyway. After all, why would you?

Anyway, over the last 3 weeks or so, progress on my weight-loss campaign has slowed right down. The first two stones of loss were, relatively speaking, a walk in the park - taking just a month a piece to go. But this third stone isn't shifting itself half as well as the other two. Indeed, in the last six weeks I've only lost about 9 pounds, which is a rate of about a pound and a half a week. And while that still not bad, it's just not as good as before.

I suppose this is something I always knew was coming. After all, at the start of my diet the loss seemed to be far too easy. But now that it has started to get harder, I've also found it more difficult to stay motivated. My long-term determination to lose weight is still there, but I have had the occasional lapse of late, when I've thought to myself: "Well, I won't lose any weight this week anyway, so a small bar of Green & Blacks won't make any difference".

But of course, it does make a difference. And I just need to keep reminding myself of that, every day, for as long as it takes. After all, I'm resigned to the fact that I'm in this for the long-haul. My weight loss plan is not measured in months but years. After all, it took me years to put it on, so it's going to take years to take it off again.

Start: 24st 3lbs (339lbs/154kg) - BMI 43.7
Current: 21st 8lb (302lbs/137kg) - BMI 38.9
Target: 14st (196lbs/89kg) - BMI 25.3
Lost so far: 2st 9lbs (37lbs/17kg) - 26% of way to target
Still to go: 7st 8lb (106lbs/48kg)

Mortified

2006-05-23T11:30:00.000+01:00

One of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life was the time that I broke someone's dining room chair.

If memory serves, I was in my early twenties at the time, and had been invited with a whole bunch of other people round to someone's house for a meal. The host was a successful lawyer who had a huge lavishly-decorated house. His wife, I didn't really know at all, but I think she was a lawyer too, and (as it turned out) had a bit of foul temper.

The meal consisted of a buffet, served off the dining room table. As you do with these things, you go and load up your plate, and then keep hold of it as you wander around. Or, as was in my case, you try to find a chair and juggle the plate of food on your knee.

Anyway, I had been sitting there for about 10 minutes, on this rather uncomfortable stylised three-legged dining chair, chatting to a friend. And I guess I must have decided to lean forward and put my plate down on the table. Well, at that moment there was a cracking sound, and I suddenly found myself sitting on the floor. One of the three legs of the chair had snapped, and the whole thing had given way beneath me.

At that time in my life I didn't even weigh that much - certainly not in comparison to what I am now. I guess you would say that I was fat, but not yet obese. And at the time I didn't even consider my weight being a factor in the chair leg breaking. I assumed it was just one of those things. And I think most other people did as well, including the male host who rushed over to see if I was okay and help me up. Unfortunately, his wife was less concerned about her guest, and more concerned about her precious dining chair.

I was, of course, terribly embarrassed by the whole incident, and was proffering apologies to the male host, which he brushed away saying the chairs were quite cheap and prone to break. But his wife, barely able to control her anger in front of her guests, dragged her husband away into the kitchen, where she began shouting at him. I forget the exact words she used to describe me. Needless to say, they were not pleasant. And they were not quiet either. Just about everyone in the house heard her slagging off the fat boy that was destroying her house.

I don't really know how it all ended in the house, because I left quite quickly; not even stopping to pick up my coat.

Man breasts

2006-05-15T14:04:00.000+01:00

All heterosexual men are obsessed about breasts, right? Or rather, to be more exact, woman's breasts. And I must admit to an unusual interest in them myself. But it's not so much fun if you're a guy that's so fat that you have man-boobs of your own. They hold no attraction whatsoever, to anyone. In fact, they're a complete embarrassment. After all, why would any man want to have a physical attribute that is so obviously associated with femininity. It's kind-of freaky.

I've always tried to be quite light-hearted about my man-boobs. And I've shared jokes in the past with female friends about how big mine are, and whether mine are bigger or smaller than the girl's boobs. But I've never been terribly comfortable about some of the reactions I've had from other (thin) men to my chest.

Some men, who would never even dream of doing this to a woman, seem to think its absolutely fine to "cop a feel" at my man-boobs. As if groping someone of the same sex is somehow okay. They like to prod and poke them, squeeze and cup them, and basically jiggle them around - all the kind of things that they would probably love to do to a woman's breasts, but are genrally not allowed to.

Special number

2006-05-14T09:01:00.000+01:00

I was rather hoping to make this announcement last week, but then had my setback, and didn't make my target.

I got back to losing weight again this week, shedding a whole five pounds to take me down to 22 stone 1 pound - which in itself isn't a particularly noteworthy weight. However, a much more important achievement is getting my BMI number below 40. The effect of which is that I officially drop from the 'morbidly obese' category to just the 'obese' category of weight for my height.

I can't tell you what it means to be able to drop this 'morbidly' word. Obviously, it's a very scary word to use to describe yourself. And although I never thought I would just drop dead in the street because of my weight, it was still a worry that I was knocking years off the end of my life.

Anyway, so here are the numbers:

Height: 6ft 2in
Start: 24st 3lbs
Current: 22st 1lb
Target: 14st
Lost so far: 2st 2lbs
Still to go: 8st 1lb
Current BMI: 39.8

Learning curve

2006-05-11T15:18:00.000+01:00

I sometimes think I should just "loosen up" and talk about my weight (and my current attempted weight-loss) with my friends and family. After all, this is a hard enough process to go through, without having to do it pretty-much on my own. But I can't seem to ever get past a self-imposed mental wall on the subject.

For more years than I care to remember, I avoided the whole subject of my weight. My mother would sometimes initiate conversations about it (she's overweight too), thinking that in me she would find a kindred spirit. But I just didn't want to know. I would mentally block out the conversation, saying the bear minimum or just 'grunting' some answers, until she gave up and dropped the subject. I guess I just wasn't ready to deal with the problem of my own size, and so I just avoided thinking about it altogether.

And because I avoided thinking about it, I avoided doing anything about it. And being obese became the 'norm' for me. For a long time I accepted that it was the way I was going to be for the rest of my (probably shortened) life. I didn't attempt to diet, and I remained pretty ignorant about anything to do with health and fitness. The kinds of foods I was eating were okay (I've always enjoyed such things as brown bread and salads), but I was eating far too much - and snacking on high-calorie foods all the time. Basically, I was free-wheeling through life, avoiding having to deal with anything to do with my weight.

But then I had my epiphany at the end of February this year, during which I came to the realisation that something could be done about my weight, and there was no point avoiding it any longer. But I had a steep learning curve to get over first. Like I said, I knew about the types of healthy foods I should be eating, but I knew almost nothing about dieting and calory counting, or indeed about exercise. I had refused to have any scales (both bathroom scales and food scales) in the house, and didn't even own a tape measure - and so I also had to invest in this equipment to help me monitor my weight and size. And it's been a big time investment for me too. Quite apart from the time spent walking (about 100 mins a day), I've spent a hell of a lot time researching on the internet and in books, about food and exercise. And I've learnt a hell of a lot of stuff that I previously didn't know.

In a way, I've almost gone to the opposite extreme of where I was before. From being almost entirely ignorant, I now consider myself quite well informed. But I still have this problem to overcome about talking to people about it. Some of my reticence, I think, is that I don't want to become a health bore - endlessly droning on about calories and heart rates to anyone who will listen. But it's also a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I may well fail to achieve the weight loss I want - and it would be less embarrassing to not tell anyone I'm trying, rather than brag about it and then have to admit failure later on.

Heart rate

2006-05-11T14:30:00.000+01:00

My new heart rate monitor arrived in the post today. I've never used one of these things before, so it took me a while to work out how to set it up.

I must say that the chest strap thing isn't the most comfortable thing to wear - and you certainly don't forget you're wearing it. But at least it stays in position, and seems to work well.

I went for a walk at lunchtime to test it out, and with a brisk walk got my heart rate up to about 110 beats per minute over about a quarter of an hour. Unfortunately, the 'minimum' of the target range for my age/sex is 111 beats, so I didn't even make it into fat-burning mode. And to be honest, I was walking just about as fast as I could, so I don't see how I can improve on things too much.

Walking up the stairs was better - pushing up my reading to about 130 beats by the time I got to the top of three flights.

But the thing that interested me most was my heart rate while at rest. I've read that the healthy range for adults is between 60 and 85 beats per minute. Well mine turned out to be just 60, which is pretty low. Perhaps I'm fitter than I thought I was. After all, they do say that elite athletes have a resting heart rate range of 50-60. Or then again, maybe I've just got a mild form of bradycardia, which wouldn't be such good news.

Setback

2006-05-08T11:54:00.000+01:00

I just had my first major setback since starting my weight-loss programme. I stepped on the scales on Sunday morning, fully expecting to have lost a couple of pounds, and to have achieved another exciting new milestone. However, I found that I had not lost at all. In fact, I had put on three pounds.

To say that this upset me is a bit of an understatement. I wouldn't have minded, if I had broken the rules. But for the previous week, I had been calorie counting like normal, and had not broken my daily allowance (as set by WLR), and so by all rights I should have continued to lose rather than gain.

The news rather threw me for the whole day - and unfortunately I ended up falling off the healthy eating wagon, so that I spent most of Sunday eating or drinking, including some fish and chips on the way home from the pub last night. I estimate that I must have consumed about 4,000 calories yesterday - about twice what I should have done - and I now feel really guilty and regretful about it. Especially as it hasn't particularly put me in good stead for the coming week.

For the first two months of my weight-loss, it all seemed quite easy to do. The weight was just dropping off, at a rate of about a stone a month. And I guess I just got a bit complacent, that it would remain that easy for ever. But I certainly don't believe that now. I now realise that I've got to step up a gear, in order to achieve what I want. I also need to have a long hard think about two things in my life: exercise and alcohol.

During April, for all kinds of reasons, my 5-miles-a-day walking regime went a bit astray. So it's a priority for me to get back into that, and consider what other exercises I may want to do in the future. And on the alcohol front, I started drinking again (after 6 weeks of abstinence) at Easter, and as such have been consuming a not-inconsiderable amount of liquid calories. I thought it was okay, but maybe I need to look at it again, and consider whether having a drink is as important to me as losing weight. But I suppose, for now, I can try to cut down on my drinking, or switch to lower-calorie drinks.

Seat belt extensions

2006-04-29T18:23:00.000+01:00

As I mentioned at the end of last month, April for me was a month of travel - both for business and pleasure. I ended up making a total of 10 (yes, TEN) different plane journeys during the month - some of them short hops within the UK, and others to more far-flung places.

In the past, one of the indignities of being a really fat person was squeezing myself into my midget-sized economy seat, and having to ask a member of the cabin crew for a seat belt extension. I'm not sure why, but airlines all seem to be really stingy when it comes to the length of their seat belts. Would it kill them to make them another foot longer? What would that cost - a few pence for a bit of extra webbing?

Anyway, for anyone with a waist over a certain size, a belt extension (also used to strap new-born babies into their mother's laps) is required. And to add insult to injury, the extensions are always red or orange in colour, so they really stand out too. I'm sure the airlines do it deliberately, in order to humiliate fat people and discourage them from flying. Indeed, if they could get away with it, they would probably cut the luggage allowance for fat people, or make them travel in the hold.

Some airlines have toyed with the concept of charging some fat people for two seats. Luckily that's never happened to me - and despite my size, I've always tried not to 'overflow' into the seat space of passengers in ajoining seats. Indeed, in my quest to make myself as small as possible on board planes, I will often spend an entire flight with my arms crossed - which gives me quite painful back and shoulder pain long after the flight.

Anyway, there was a point to this post, about half an hour ago... Which is, that on all my trips during April, I've been lucky enough not to have needed any seat belt extensions. That, in itself, is a minor victory for me, and an indication that I am getting (slowly) thinner. In fact, on one flight I even had about 6 inches of spare belt, and had to tighten the slack - something I haven't been able to do for well over 15 years.

Communication with friends

2006-04-29T18:04:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure why, but when I began this weight-loss thing about two months ago, I decided not to talk about it with my friends. I'm guessing that I assumed that I would fail, and that I didn't want them to know about that failure. It would be easier to let them believe that I'm happy with my current weight (which I'm not), rather than make a big announcement about going on a diet and then nothing change.

Even now, when I realise that it is working and that I am losing weight, I still can't talk to my friends about it. I think one of two of them have noticed that I've reduced my bulk a little, but they haven't really said anything either. Perhaps they're waiting for my lead, or feel that it's a bit rude bringing up my weight in conversation.

I desperately want people to express their amazement at how well I'm doing, but they don't. And I get the feeling that if I start to mention my dieting only now, then it will look like I'm fishing for complements - which I guess I am.

At the moment, I feel I'm at somewhat of a cross-roads in my dieting. When I began at the start of March, it was on the basis that I would do it at least up until Easter. And that was two weeks ago now. And since then I've been away on holiday, and haven't been so anal about counting my calories. And so, while I haven't put on any weight, I still feel a bit like I've fallen off the wagon.

My big decision is... do I continue with my dialy calorie counting using Weight Loss Resources, or do I switch to a general 'healthy eating' programme? I'm very tempted by the latter, but don't yet feel disciplined enough (or educated enough) to keep up my good work. But on the other hand, I also feel that I'm getting a bit obsessed with recording every single thing that passes my lips, and wish I could be more relaxed about my eating.

Of course, if my friends knew about my diet, I would have been able to seek their advice. Not that any of them are remotely interested in dieting - with them all being naturally thin.

Normal sizes

2006-04-23T15:42:00.000+01:00

I just did something quite exciting. Or rather, I did something that was exciting in its significance to me, but an activity that is otherwise quite dull and mundane for most other people. I went clothes shopping in a high street shop - Marks and Spencers to be exact - a great British institution.

Now, shopping in M&S may not be everyone's idea of excitement. But it wasn't the shop itself that was significant to me. It was the fact that it was a normal shop. One that sells normal sized clothes - not one that specializes in fat men's clothing. Okay, so what I was buying was at the very top-end of their sizing range, but it made me very proud.

For about the last 10 years, I've had to buy all my clothes from specialist retailers that deal in big and tall men. There aren't that many of them on the high street, so I had to get most of my clothes from mail order firms and (latterly) internet shops. And my main concern at the time was not so much how the clothes looked, but whether they fitted. I must have spent a small fortune ordering things that turned out to be too big or too small. But I never sent any of them back - I guess I was too ashamed to admit they didn't fit me, particularly if something was too small. So I ended up keeping these clothes for a while, hoping that they would one day fit me, before eventually throwing them away. It was a terrible waste of money, and many of the clothes were of quite poor quality anyway.

And so the idea that I can now go out into a shop and buy clothes is great. I will be able to see and feel them, and even try them on in certain shops, before parting with my cash. I will be able to buy things that are vaguely fashionable as well - always bearing in mind that some fashionable items look rubbish on fat people.

About a year ago, I was wearing jeans with a waist size of 50 inches that had a saggy bucket seat that made my arse look like a bag of spuds. But these new jeans I just got in M&S are only a 44 inch waist - proof that this weight loss thing is working. And while my arse is still quite sizable, and not exactly sexy, at least the jeans fit it well.

Anyway, for the moment I'm going to be a bit restrained about what clothes I get myself. After all, if I can manage to keep this weight-loss thing going, then even the 44 inch jeans will get baggy over time. My size 4XL t-shirts are already too big for me, but I can live with them for another month or two ? until the top half of my body (with its still quite-sizable belly) starts to catch up with the bottom half, and I can start buying normal sized tops too.

Rubbish scales and travel

2006-03-31T09:43:00.000+01:00

Remember earlier this week, when I got all excited (and a bit confused) by an apparent massive weight loss over the week of 9 pounds? Well is seems the scales were lying to me - that is, unless I've subsequently put weight back on again.

When I bought these scales, I thought they were the dog's danglies, because they not only looked good, but could also cope with my mega-weight. But now I'm not so sure about them. Lots of reviews on the net praise them for their accuracy, but I'm having all kinds of trouble with variable readings. I'm guessing it must be due to the uneven floor in my bathroom. But even in my kitchen, which has a flat lino floor, the readings can still vary by a pound or two.

Anyway, so I did a weigh-in this morning (on a Friday - not my proper day) because I'm due to be away over the weekend, and I was at 23 stone, 2 pounds. Which I can either count as a 4 pounds gain since last Sunday (with its anomalous reading), or a 5 pound loss over two weeks. I think I'll go with the second one.

Starting weight: 24 stone, 3 pounds
Current weight: 23 stone, 2 pounds
Ideal weight: 14 stone
Weight lost so far: 1 stone, 1 pounds
Weight still to lose: 9 stone, 2 pounds

I mentioned that I'm away over the weekend. Well, actually, I'm due to be traveling for short periods quite a bit over the next month or so. And it's all a bit worrying. Being away from home, I feel that I won't be in control so much when I eat. There'll be a lot of eating out at restaurants, which is often fun, but also high calorie. And my normal exercise routine will be disrupted too. So I'm trying to think of tactics I can employ while away that will keep me on the straight and narrow.

I'm even considering something brand new to me - that is, going a gym. In all these hotels that I'm due to be staying in, there's bound to a gym of some kind that I can use. And I'm guessing that the running machines can be set to a slow enough pace that's suitable for walkers like myself. So I might give that a go.

And when it comes to eating out in restaurants, I'll just have to be 'good' and pick the healthy options.

Pizza party

2006-03-29T16:10:00.000+01:00

We has a pizza party at lunchtime in the office today. One of the girls made some bases, and brought a whole load of different toppings in. And we all got to design our own pizza, that was then cooked in the oven. It was great fun, but a massive temptation for me to go over the top. However, I did try to moderate myself.

My pizza was jam packed full of veggies, and only a bit of meat. I also resisted the urge to drown the whole thing in fistfuls of cheese, as that would have really piled on the calories. But it was still a really tasty meal, and didn't seem to be any different to the heavily loaded deep-pan pizzas my colleagues were creating.

Unfortunately, my good work was thrown out of the window when someone turned up with a tray full of chop-chip cookies - counted out so that there was one cookie each. Well, I didn't feel able to refuse (not that I tried too hard), and it did taste lovely. But it threw me way over my calorie count for today, leaving me with just about enough for, say, half a stick of celery for dinner tonight.

My only option is to hope the weather holds off, and I can get a good long walk in on the way home from work.

Before and after

2006-03-27T10:48:00.000+01:00

I was playing around with My Virtual Model at the end of last week, creating 'before' and 'after' images of myself at my starting and target weights, and I thought I would let you see them.

I have no idea why the system decides to give the slimmer version a tee shirt to wear. Maybe the programmer likes the view of some big saggy man boobs, but doesn't like the look of thin guys. I don't know.

But it's freaky for me to look at the two photos together. The thin version seems such an alien image, and I can't ever image looking like that. I've been the fatty version for so long that I can't even remember what it's like to be thin.

Variable readings

2006-03-27T10:43:00.000+01:00

My weekly weigh-in was not so much fun this Sunday. Not because I didn't lose weight - because I did - but because my super-dooper digital scales were playing silly buggers, giving me all kinds of random readings. This was not a small variance of a few pounds either way - some readings were a whole 10 pounds out from others. And so, this all rather knocked my confidence regarding the accuracy of all the other weigh-in readings from previous weeks.

However, I think the strange readings must have been down to having a slightly uneven floor in the bathroom, because by shuffling the scales around a bit, I did finally manage to get a set of consistent readings. And the news was really good. During the week, I managed to massively over-shoot my 2-pound loss goal, to end up losing a massive 9 pounds. Bringing me below the 23 stone mark for the first time (in a long time), and adding up to a total loss this month so far of 19 pounds.

Starting weight: 24 stone, 3 pounds
Current weight: 22 stone, 12 pounds
Ideal weight: 14 stone
Weight lost so far: 1 stone, 5 pounds
Weight still to lose: 8 stone, 12 pounds

Drunken Sunday

2006-03-26T22:56:00.000+01:00

Sunday was a bit of a blow-out day. I've been off the booze since I started my weight-loss at the start of the month, and managed a whole 25 dry days. But today was definitely a drunken day, where I didn't so much fall off the wagon, as enjoy a pleasant planned rest-stop.

Actually, I drunk a hell of a lot more than I would normally have, just on a normal weekend day. And so it ended up that over half my calories for the day (about 1,200) came from booze - which is probably not the most healthy thing on the planet for anyone - but it certainly was fun to let my hair down for the day.

And I did (just) manage to stick within my daily allowance of calories - helped by the fact that I fitted in 30 minutes of walking (admittedly between pubs), and because I skipped dinner (because I was in the pub). I also avoided the chip shop on the way home, because I knew I would be sorely tempted to indulge in something soaked in fat - and that would have thrown me massively over target.

Fruit and veg

2006-03-20T11:54:00.000Z

A girl in my office leant me a book recently about healing foods. It goes into quite a lot of detail about the effect on the body of different types of food, and has advice on what I should be eating to maintain a healthy balanced lifestyle. I've read a couple of sections in detail, skimmed another, and skipped most of the rest. But what it seems to be saying, overall, is that I need to eat shed loads of fruit and vegetables. Hardly a revelation then!

I looked for the section that recommends pigging out on bacon rolls and potato crisps, but couldn't find it. Likewise, the section on trying to stuff your face at Chinese "all-you-can-eat" buffet restaurants seemed to allude me as well. So I suppose I'd better do something about those fruit and veg.

I've never been a big fruit and veg eater. It's not that I dislike them - they're perfectly tasty, and I eat them all up when someone else prepares them for me - it's just that other things (such as meat and potatoes and bread) appeal to me much more. In the past, when I've cooked something like a roast dinner for myself, I've tended to only bother with the meat and potatoes - and not have any greens at all. When I've been hungry for a snack between meals, I'm more likely to make myself a sandwich or have a slab of cheese, rather than a piece of fruit. But this is something I now acknowledge needs to change.

So over the weekend, I loaded up my basket at the supermarket with all kinds of veggies and fruit. And I've been using many of them since then. Sunday lunch, for example, included quite a sizeable portion of cabbage and carrots. I've also been snacking on apples, bananas, grapes, and raw carrots. And while it's not quite as satisfying to my taste buds as a ham sandwich, it is by no means a hardship. And, of course, the fruit and veg are much lower in calories than the other stuff, which is great.

Body image

2006-03-19T15:23:00.000Z

One of the major motivational factors in my drive to try and lose weight is to become more attractive to women.

I'm sure there are women out there that don't mind (or even quite like) the look of fat men, but I haven't yet found one. I've never ever had a proper girlfriend in my life. And although I have a full, active and happy life, I still yearn for the same things that everyone else wants - someone special to share my life with. Most other people my age are married and have children. Whereas I've never had a proper relationship - and that can be lonely sometimes.

It's not just about sex - but I guess that's part of it. It's about having someone to share things with. Someone to listen to my moaning when I've had a bad day. Someone to go out to dinner with, or go to the cinema with, or to go on holiday with. Being permanently single really sucks, and I've had enough of it.

But you see, before I'm able to try and find that someone special, I feel I need to address my weight issue first. It's not necessarily because I would never stand a chance of pulling a girl when I'm fat. It's more about my own personal sense of worth. You see, I don't find myself attractive, and therefore I can't imagine anyone else finding me attractive. I have a really poor self image of my body - and I therefore have a crippling lack of confidence.

I realize that I might be attaching too much significance on my weight. You never know, I could end up in a couple of year's time being thin and still lonely. But I can't get the idea out of my head that if I were a thinner person, then happiness would automatically follow.

Nineteen days in

2006-03-19T15:18:00.000Z

It's Sunday today, so it's weigh-in day. I jumped on the scales after my shower this morning as usual, to find out that I have lost three pounds in the last week. That brings me to a total of 10lbs lost since I started two and a half weeks ago. I'm pretty pleased so far, and am now wondering whether I can lose another four pounds in the next two weeks - as that would take me to a whole stone within the month. I guess we'll see...

Starting weight: 24 stone, 3 pounds
Current weight: 23 stone, 7 pounds
Ideal weight: 14 stone
Weight lost so far: 10 pounds
Weight still to lose: 9 stone, 7 pounds

Anomaly or not?

2006-03-17T11:10:00.000Z

I did something today that I told myself I would never do. I got on the scales on one of my non weigh-in days. My official weigh-in happens on a Sunday morning, and for the first few weeks of my weight loss, I was also allowing myself an unofficial weigh-in on Wednesday too. But today is Friday and I got on the scales today too.

My excuse is that I got a bit of a scare on Wednesday. The official weigh-in on Sunday had gone rather well. I had lost a further 2 pounds since the Wednesday, bringing my total up to 7 pound (half a stone!) since I started. But then on Wednesday, rather than seeing that I had lost maybe another pound or two, the scales said that I had put weight back on. They said that I had gone from 23st 10lbs on Sunday to 23st 13lbs. And to be quite honest, I was quite shocked about it. I had been sticking religiously to my calorie quota every day, and so I couldn't understand the anomaly.

It kind-of bugged me for the next couple of days, till this morning when I couldn't resist finding out what was going on. Was it just a random reading, or was I beginning to put weight back on? I had to know. So, as usual after my shower, I pulled the scales out and jumped on. Thankfully, I was down again - this time it read 23st 8lbs. This is a huge relief, because I can now continue believing that it's working - even if it doesn't count as an official weight.

Walking

2006-03-14T11:45:00.000Z

One of the things I do, in addition to watching what I eat, is to do a bit of gentle exercise. I'm not sure I have the balls to sign up to a gym -- in my mind's eye I see them as being full of thin healthy people, with not a hair out of place, hardly breaking into a sweat. Whereas, I just know that I would be a sweaty wreak of a man within about 2 minutes of entering the place. And I also have a fear that my weight might also break the machines - and that is just too embarrassing a prospect to even consider.

And so, my exercise of choice at the moment is walking. I read a while ago about that thing where you're meant to do 10,000 paces a day to be healthy. I hear it's about equivalent to 5 miles, which seems a lot. But I decided to give it a go. I got myself a pedometer off eBay for a few quid, to help record how many steps I do, and I log them all in a spreadsheet in my computer (I do love the stats).

I've been doing it for a while now, and at first I found the 10,000 target really hard to achieve. You have to invest quite a lot of time each day to walk distances that far - at my plodding 3mph pace, it would take about an hour and forty minutes to do the requisite 10,000 paces. However, as I've continued walking, I've found that my pace has gotten a little quicker, so that I can maintain a 4mph pace now. And I've also found that I can fit the walking into my regular routine.

Gone is the bus pass, as I now walk to work and back every day. That's about 2 miles each day. Also, most days I also go for a bit of a constitutional walk before lunch - normally just for about 20 minutes - but that's enough time to fit in another mile. And if I go out at all in the evening, I also walk wherever I'm going, which adds a few extra miles on the total.

With walking everywhere, there are certainly some drawbacks. It takes much longer to get anywhere that it would have been in a car or on the bus, so you have to plan ahead a bit. You also run the risk of arriving at places all hot and sweaty from the walk. At first, I worried about this - about whether I would smell of body odour at work - but as I've continued walking, I've become fitter, and don't get so hot and bothered along the route. And I know that I can walk to work without ending up as a dripping red mess at the end of the journey.

Over the last few weeks, even despite the recent horrible weather we've had here in Britain, I've managed to maintain a daily average of about 11,000 paces - which equates to about 80 minutes of aerobic exercise. On WLR that gives me about another 470 calories I can consume each day on top of my daily allowance. However, I'm trying not to eat these exercise calories at the moment, as I want to get good (above target) start on my weight loss over the first few weeks.

After one week

2006-03-08T12:34:00.000Z

It's seven days since I officially started dieting, and it was time for an unofficial weigh-in. I've decided that the 'official' weekly weigh-ins will be on Sunday mornings. But for comparative purposes, I might also hop on the scales on Wednesday instead, to see how I've done in comparison to my start date.

I hadn't actually weighed myself for quite a few years before starting this current diet, and I didn't have any scales in the house. But I decided that I needed to be able to monitor my progress over time, to see if it was working. However, a standard set of household scales can't really cope with someone as heavy as me, so I had to explore a bit on the net and find a some high capacity models. Althought I had no idea of my exact weight before going scales shopping, I knew I was way over 20 stone, and therefore I wanted to get scales with the highest capacity available, in order to prepare for the worst.

I ended up ordering the Tanita High Capacity Scales, which are quite expensive, but look quite good too. And, most importantly of all, they have a capacity that goes up to 28stone, 8 pounds (that's 180 kilos in new money).

Anyway, so this morning, after drying myself off after my shower, I pulled the scales out and stepped tentatively onto them. The digital display flickered for a bit, and then displayed the figure. I was 23 stone, 12 pounds - a whole 5 pounds lighter than my starting weight a week ago. I stepped on again, just to make sure, and the same figure came up. It was official. I had lost some weight - probably for the first time in about 5 years.

As I walked to work, I realised that I had a smile plastered all over my face. I felt happy that I was doing something positive about my weight, and I was even happier that it appeared to be working.

So, here's the updated figures:

Starting weight: 24 stone, 3 pounds
Current weight: 23 stone, 12 pounds
Ideal weight: 14 stone
Weight lost so far: 5 pounds
Weight still to lose: 9 stone, 12 pounds

Support mechanisms

2006-03-03T09:14:00.000Z

I don't really talk to a lot of people about my weight. I'm the first one to make jokes about being fat with my friends - mostly as a self defense mechanism. But I don't really talk to anyone seriously about my weight - even though it's something that impacts upon my life every day. There's only really two people I've talked to about it - my mother, and a girl at work. This colleague of mine is trying to lose weight herself. But her target loss is something like one stone, which seems like a drop in the ocean compared to what I need to lose. But I find it very supportative to be able to discuss things with her, like healthy eating and exercise. These are topics that I don't know an awful lot about - despite my 34 years of age - but she's not judgemental about my ignorance. Actually, I think she enjoys having someone to talk to as about it as well.

Despite working in the same office, our conversations are not the kind of thing we want to say outloud, so we often end up chatting using instant messenger. Because it's not face-to-face, I sometimes feel able to open up a lot more than I normally would, and I find that very cathartic.

She also put me on to a great website called Weight Loss Resources, where you basically record every single thing you consume. It has a massive database of food from supermarkets and restaurant chains throughout the UK, and can tell you exactly how many calories, how much fat, carbohydrates, and so on are in diffent foods. It happens to really suit me, because I love fiddling around with statistics. In fact, I would probably say I'm a bit anal about it. But the practice of noting down every single thing you consume, from a cup of tea in the morning to the hand full of sweets I sometimes have before going to bed, certainly has opened my eyes to just how much I eat.

The web site takes your current weight, height and sex, and gives you a daily allowance of calories you're not meant to exceed. My total, because I'm so tall (6 foot, 2 inches) and so fat is quite large at the moment: 2,414 calories. And I can up this total even further by doing exercise. The idea is that, if I stick to this amount, then I will gradually lose 2 pounds in weight every week, which at this stage seems like a really slow rate of loss. But I've read that a slow loss is more likely to be a sustainable loss, so I'm going with it for now. But at a rate of 2 pounds a week, it's going to take me till July of 2007 to attain my ideal weight - that's 17 months away.

I told you it would be a long journey.

The beginning

2006-03-01T08:59:00.000Z

On Ash Wednesday, the 1st March, 2006 I made a decision. I wanted to become a big loser. I wanted to do something about my weight problem. For the last 20 years, as I got fatter and fatter, I told myself it wasn't a problem. There were people worse than me - fatter that me. But then I realised that I was just kidding myself. I was way bigger than other fatties I saw on the street. And it was making me unhealthy and unhappy. And I'd had enough. So, with a bit of encouragement from one or two people, I decided to start eating properly for a change.

Through this diary, I hope to record my progress over time. If it ends up being of any help to other people, then that's fantastic. But that's not my main motivation. This is going to be a long hard journey, and writing stuff down is hopefully going to help me keep going.

So, let's get things started. Here's my starting point, as of today:

Stating weight: 24 stone, 3 pounds
Current weight: 24 stone, 3 pounds
Target weight: 14 stone
Amount still to lose: 10 stone, 3 pounds

Wish me luck!