Big Fat Loser

Monday, August 14, 2006

Random thoughts

July this year was a really quiet month. I was away travelling and visiting my family for a couple of weeks, and I hadn't seen many of my friends for quite a while. So it was a shock to some of them to see the weight loss progress I had made.

Thanks to the warmer weather sweeping the country, I had managed to ditch all my old shirts and jumpers, all of which are much too big for me now; opting instead for smaller fitting t-shirts. Which is why, I guess, it was suddenly more apparent to my friends that I had lost quite a lot of weight - some four and a half stones to be exact.

Comparing my old and new clothes the other day, I couldn't believe the difference in size between a 5XL and 2XL t-shirt. Indeed, I still can't believe that I can fit into something so small. Because I guess in my mind I haven't changed shape yet. I still think of myself as a morbidly obese man.

And so I keep trying to remind myself of the evidence... the smaller clothes, the fact that I can almost jog up a flight of stairs now without breaking into a sweat, and the fact that strangers are more willing to sit on the seat next to me on busses and trains.

In fact, a big part of losing weight is to do with other people's attitude towards me. I've always hated the way other people have viewed me. Friends have said that they've never thought about my size, and I believe them. But for every one of those lovely people who says it makes no difference to them, I feel that there are another hundred that are disgusted by my weight.

My difference in size so far has prompted dozens of aquaintences to come up to me and say things like "You look so much better", or "You look more heathly" - which, don't get me wrong, is all lovely to hear. But sometimes I can't help feeling that there's a silent coda to each of their statements that says "because you looked crap before". And I resent them a little bit for not thinking I looked great back when I was 24 stone.

Why is a 19? stone version of me better than a 24 stone version? I'm still the same person. I still have the same sense of humour, the same intelligence, interests, passions, and dreams. But to others, the thinner me is definitely 'better'.
Monday, August 14, 2006

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